Single, not ready to mingle

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So as you might have gathered from the title, this post is all about my new found singledom.

I have now been single for six months and only now is it starting to get a bit easier. My last long term relationship was ended by me because I felt me and my ex were going in completely different directions. I want to explore the world while I have no commitments like a mortgage or children and he, well he wasn’t bothered with any of that.

I have been single before and even ended relationships that weren’t going anywhere, but this time is different I feel because it has been so hard. Over the last six months I have been crying, pining, luring myself into a false sense of security thinking we’ll fall back together. I have tried being his friend, I have been blaming myself, I have been putting myself down and I have been a broken record to my friends and family. Now though I am at the angry/sod off stage of the turmoil of a failed relationship.

I am looking forward to my future but I am also scared of it because, my ex was my first “real” love. When I met him and kissed him for the first time everything went black and it was only me and him, the first time I told him I loved him I got butterflies, he always managed to make me smile and laugh even if I had been pissed off just moments before, and I am scared I wont get that again, I am scared I don’t have the time to make a real lasting relationship with someone worthy enough for me to want to marry them instead of just settling. I am nearly 30 but I want to start a family when I am around 35 so that means I only have a set number of years to meet him, truly love him, start a family with him,…..I am constantly hearing the clock tick and I know people are having families later and it is normal but still the fear is there.

At the beginning of the year however I bought myself this book, The Unexpected joy of being single by Catherine Grayย 

9781783253135

Now this book hammers home about the fact that society has given a bad reputation to being single, even stories like Bridget Jones Dairy is about how being single is not a good thing. But we need to re- evaluate this because in all fairness from the moment we are born we are not in a relationship. We are our own person, we manage to have a life, have interests and aims and goals for OUR life and only ours. Having someone to share that with is just an added bonus but it is not a necessity. But the book also says that even if we do go into a relationship again society has made it unrealistic because our partner has to be our friend, our lover, our counsellor, our partner in crime, the dad, the husband, the wife, the mother. They need to be understanding, they need to love, they need to make us laugh, they need to be able to read our mind (this is the big one) and no one person can be our everything. But we expect it all the same…

So what am I actual saying? whats the actual point of this post? well I guess what I am saying is to be single as scary as it can be, it might also be fun. Fun to find out who I actual am again? fun to not have to worry about another person, fun to have a bit of freedom I guess. For the last fifteen years or so I have even been in a relationship or I have been chasing after someone. I haven’t truly been single and thought of only myself since I was around fourteen years of age, which is ridiculous.

So I vow that from this moment on I am just going to try and enjoy MY life, and try enjoy MY time and ultimately learn to love….ME. Who knows maybe then I will find someone who compliments me, because I wont need anyone to complete me as I will already be my whole selfย  ๐Ÿ™‚

So wish me luck on my journey for self discovery โค

x Kayleigh x

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