I want to apologise for my last post. It started off so promising and than it turned to negativity and self pity.
For two long I’ve played the victim to my own life and situations, but lets clear some things up, everything I have done in my life has been 9/10 my choice. When I was writing the section about relationships and how my dream self wants nothing more than romance that is true, but as I was writing it I was focusing on the negatives of my past relationships, which unfortunately is very like me, I seem to cling to the bad rather the good, and in some ways I’ve done it to spare myself feelings of hurt. Let my elaborate.
Last September I came out of a long term relationship, and this has dominated my mind and feelings ever since, to the point it has been a year and a bit since the initial breakup and it still feels as raw as though it happened yesterday for me. So to help me survive the breakup of someone I was head over heels in love with, and the betrail I felt when after only a month of us not being together he moved onto someone he worked with, the same someone he’s still with now I focused on the negative aspects of our relationship. Is it normal to do that?
The shit thing about it is if we had only talked, like actually talked maybe all the little things that were bothering me about our relationship would have been resolved, or maybe they wouldn’t have. Because I broke it off with him because I wanted to travel where is he was too scared to.
So since then I’ve played the victim and making sure he knows that I don’t approve of his decision and that he hurts me. Which is another thing, since we split he wanted us to stay friends and told me he was with someone new, and that they have slept together because you know I’m his best friend so of course I need to know this shit. Sorry I’m going off. When ever I think or talk about the events that took place after I get angry and hurt all over again.
Is it justified that I feel a victim in all this? because it was me who broke it off to begin with, however even before he told me he’d gotten with someone from work, I knew he was going to do it, I didn’t know when but I knew. Is that my fault? Should I just suck it up and accept it?
I don’t know and when ever I allow myself to think about it I constantly go back and fourth about it, I constantly think I have no right playing the victim as it was me who broke us up in the first place.
But my brake up isn’t the only time I’ve played victim.
Nearly all my life if something hasn’t gone to plan, then I go oh woes me, my life is shit, why does the universe hate me so? or if I’ve lost a friend I done the blame game since now.
I guess what I am trying to say is life is shit. No, life is what it is, and only you are responsible for the actions you took. 9/10 you have complete control over things and if something goes wrong not to take it to heart because that’s life, instead see it as a teaching tool. What is life trying to tell you? and besides being a victim isn’t good for you self-confidence or even your mental health because you are basically saying I have no control when you do, you may not have control over others but you 100% have control of yourself. So that is what I am trying to do, I’m trying to break bad habits, and trying to not play the victim because I am better than that.
Sorry for the rambly post, it has been on my mind all morning.
x Kayleigh x