I would just like to start off by saying a BIG thank you to everyone who has decided to follow my rambles, it means the world to me that you want to read my words 🙂 Thank you xx
Now on to the post.
This is going to be a little, well I want to say deep I suppose and I won’t exactly be covering anything new on here.
This year has been one of the best years I have ever had, it was also my 30th year. I can’t believe that I have had one amazing moment after the next, and I feel super blessed for all of it.
Just a quick recap of my year. My year started off with my going to Brussels and Rome with my cousins and I will say it wasn’t all smooth sailing but it was the start of many trips this year, next I went up to Edinburgh for a couple of days while I sorted out paper work for my main trip. That main trip consist of me going to Moscow, Mongolia, China, Cambodia, Vietnam, Laos and Thailand, upon arriving back home I had the opportunity to go to a book signing of someone I follow and admire, Hannah Witton. In my birthday month I went to a body confidence photoshoot which did wonders for me, like I said above I celebrated my 30th year. In august I went to an event and was able to meet yet more people that I follow and admire and I even made a new friend. I went to London to go to a concert of a person I’ve wanted to see for a while, I reconnected with a friend that I lost last year, I went to other little events/days out that I had wanted to do such as I went pumpkin picking for the first time, for Halloween I went to a masquerade ball. This year I created a Halloween sketch all by myself, and the best thing of all happened only on Saturday. I met David Tennant and I am over the moon about it. So yes over all this year has been fantastic, I have done a lot of amazing things.
But the best parts of this year is how it has made me feel. I have been feeling more optimistic, I have been feeling more confident in myself, and my thoughts have been kinder to me, to the point that if a negative thought comes my head acknowledges it, nods as it talks then leaves it to the side, this now happens probably 9 times out of 10. However, no matter how brilliantly my head makes me feel now there is one things that can break me every time. My singleness.
Now I know that being single is not the end of the world, and obviously I need this time alone to effectively get my shit together (we’re all a work in progress), but even with that being said I would be lieing if I said it hasn’t been hard. I always prided myself on the fact that I can survive on my own, the I don’t NEED to be with someone, and that is the truth, this year alone has proven that, but you know that doesn’t stop the wants. All I have wanted this year is to be kissed and held and told that I am beautiful. I want there to be someone waiting for me at home, who wants nothing more than to wrap me in their arms and hold me close. Unfortunately I sacrificed that for my travels, and although I loved him dearly, he has proven to me that we were not meant to live Happily Ever After. He proved that to me by moving on within a month of us breaking up. This is what has been hurting me ever since because it has made me question everything that we were.
I spent eight years being there for this guy, showing him I cared, getting butterfly’s the first time I told him I loved him. From the moment we met he was the one for me, every time he pushed me away and I tried to move on I couldn’t because my thoughts and wants were consumed with him. We had an on / off relationship before we finally had five years together and they were by no means perfect, but we created many wonderful memories. Breaking up with him to pursue something that would ultimately make me very happy was the hardest decision I have ever had to make, I’ve been crying over my loss for months, but what is eight years to him when he can get with his colleague straight after me? the kicker is he wanted us to be “friends”.
I thought I was finally in a good place mentally about it, that was until today when out of no where my head decided to connect a song to events that had happened in the past. I know I am not over it, and no matter how much I apolagise for my errors the resentment and anger is still there.
This has always been my problem, always hold on to the thing I don’t have and that ultimately effects my happiness, its normal. Or is it?
Happiness is what ever you make of it. I am happiest when I am traveling, reading, enjoying quite time to myself or even dancing around. No one is responsible for my happiness except for me, so why am I letting someone effect it so much? Is it because I loved him? maybe, but it is more likely because I am lonely and unfortunately loneliness is not a good selling point if you want to meet someone new.
Basically what I am trying to say is I am still a work in progress, but I am so happy with how far I have come. Happiness is a personal thing and as long as I keep going down the positive, happy path that I have started to create then only great things will come, and no matter how lonely I currently am, I know that I will meet someone who will compliment me and my life.
x Kayleigh x